Toki never said a word during his sessions with Dr. Twinkletits. He didn't need to.
His vocabulary consisted of choking sobs, keening wails, anguished howls that would have had Nathan clamoring for their usage on the next album, and soul-rending screams that left Toki utterly exhausted - thank the gods the office was soundproofed!
Sometimes, Toki would cry himself out and wind up falling asleep on Twinkletits' couch, leaving John to idly wonder just what demons still haunted him, stroking his back and hair absentmindedly with cold steel fingers while the Norwegian rhythm guitarist twitched and thrashed in fitful slumber.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Unpublished 89. Through the Fire
Toki slowly awoke from an alcohol-induced stupor to a heavy weight upon his chest and an acrid smoke in his nostrils. He coughed weakly, fighting the urge to vomit again. His fingers not wrapped around the neck of a vodka bottle scrabbled in futility at the wooden beam lying painfully across him.
Then, just like that, the weight was gone, and he was being hoisted over a shoulder, carried across a broad back.
Toki pressed his nose into Nathan's back, contentedly breathing in the smoke and the musk.
Nathan was here, for him, and that's all that really mattered.
Then, just like that, the weight was gone, and he was being hoisted over a shoulder, carried across a broad back.
Toki pressed his nose into Nathan's back, contentedly breathing in the smoke and the musk.
Nathan was here, for him, and that's all that really mattered.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Unpublished 78. Drink
It had started with the death of Juliette Sarmansadandle, grown with that of Dimneld Selftcark, boiled with the fate of Aslaug Wartooth, and finally reached a head with the death of a nameless fan at the recent Snakes 'N Barrels concert.
Emotions were struggling to the surface of his conscious mind, dark, foreboding, painful, and Toki had no tools with which to deal with them.
So he did what the others did, grabbed a bottle and started to pull from it, seeking answers to these problems posed.
They would be found at the bottom of the bottle, he was sure...
Emotions were struggling to the surface of his conscious mind, dark, foreboding, painful, and Toki had no tools with which to deal with them.
So he did what the others did, grabbed a bottle and started to pull from it, seeking answers to these problems posed.
They would be found at the bottom of the bottle, he was sure...
Friday, October 3, 2008
Unpublished 12. Insanity
The ignorant, obnoxious frat boy at the Snakes 'N Barrels concert had either ignored- or hadn't understood- all of the warning signs. First, the polite rebuffing, followed up by gentle pleading and attempts at warding-off. Then, failing that, the setting of the jaw, the squaring of the shoulders, the balling of the fists, and the determined stare into nothingness.
Loud noises were all right by Toki... so long as he was the one making them. Intrude upon his personal space, however, and one would risk a savage beating.
Touch him, and one would then be risking their very life.
Loud noises were all right by Toki... so long as he was the one making them. Intrude upon his personal space, however, and one would risk a savage beating.
Touch him, and one would then be risking their very life.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Unpublished 83. Heal - Link 3
Toki's hand had been stitched up and bandaged, and he turned it to and fro, trying not to flex it due to its pain.
Skwisgaar had remained with him, watching him the entire time, for reasons Toki couldn't fathom.
"Don'ts dink dat dis means anyt'ings, d'o; we's only needs you for tour, yous still stupids crybabies dildos what cant's play de guitars wort' shits."
Skwisgaar turned and strode out the door with a dismissive wave, without looking back.
Toki just stared at his hand numbly, trying to digest Skwisgaar's statement.
Maybe, with enough time, his heart would heal as well.
Skwisgaar had remained with him, watching him the entire time, for reasons Toki couldn't fathom.
"Don'ts dink dat dis means anyt'ings, d'o; we's only needs you for tour, yous still stupids crybabies dildos what cant's play de guitars wort' shits."
Skwisgaar turned and strode out the door with a dismissive wave, without looking back.
Toki just stared at his hand numbly, trying to digest Skwisgaar's statement.
Maybe, with enough time, his heart would heal as well.
Unpublished 76. Broken Pieces - Link 2
Toki clutched at his bleeding hand, narrowing his eyes and hissing in pain as a shower of crimson droplets spattered to the floor. The shock had jolted him out of his self-pity, and he realized that he'd jeopardized his future with his stupidity.
He never noticed Skwisgaar walk up behind him, didn't see the shock register in his eyes.
The Swede knelt, taking Toki's injured hand in his, adding pressure to try and staunch the bleeding, deep blue eyes softening ever so slightly, and speaking, his voice little more than a murmur.
"Tryings to leaves dis world widout mes...?"
He never noticed Skwisgaar walk up behind him, didn't see the shock register in his eyes.
The Swede knelt, taking Toki's injured hand in his, adding pressure to try and staunch the bleeding, deep blue eyes softening ever so slightly, and speaking, his voice little more than a murmur.
"Tryings to leaves dis world widout mes...?"
Unpublished 75. Mirror - Link 1
Toki gazed into the bathroom mirror, icy eyes regarding his reflection with curiosity. Was it a brave face staring back at him? A gentle face? A mournful face?
It didn't matter. People saw him as guitarist, gifted, god. They never simply saw Toki.
He'd never been the child his parents wanted. He wasn't the guitarist his band wanted. He'd never be the man anyone wanted.
Looking up, he met his own eyes again, this time with revulsion.
Embittered, enraged, without thinking, he cocked his fist back and swung, shattering the glass and sending glittering shards raining into the sink.
It didn't matter. People saw him as guitarist, gifted, god. They never simply saw Toki.
He'd never been the child his parents wanted. He wasn't the guitarist his band wanted. He'd never be the man anyone wanted.
Looking up, he met his own eyes again, this time with revulsion.
Embittered, enraged, without thinking, he cocked his fist back and swung, shattering the glass and sending glittering shards raining into the sink.
Unpublished 17. Blood
Toki came to with a start and a cry, lying on his side in a prison cell, wrists and ankles bound.
Blood lay spattered across his face, matting his hair, drenching his clothes. Bits of bone were embedded in the soles of his boots. The shrill screams of his hapless victim, and the sickening crunch of the man's skull as it caved beneath his heel still rang loud in his ears.
He moaned, throat still hoarse, while bile rose in his throat at the thought, but he fought it back.
Had he actually killed a man? He honestly couldn't remember.
Blood lay spattered across his face, matting his hair, drenching his clothes. Bits of bone were embedded in the soles of his boots. The shrill screams of his hapless victim, and the sickening crunch of the man's skull as it caved beneath his heel still rang loud in his ears.
He moaned, throat still hoarse, while bile rose in his throat at the thought, but he fought it back.
Had he actually killed a man? He honestly couldn't remember.
Unpublished 95. Advertisement
Pickles skimmed through the magazine, in a customary half-stupor, until his eyes lit upon an ad that gave him pause.
There sat Toki, his scarred back in full view, looking back at the camera with an unreadable expression upon his face. The caption read, "Just because life is brutal... doesn't mean you have to be." Below this was his signature, and the contact information for a children's rights group.
Pickles turned then to face Toki, who sat nearby; his voice was low and reverent. "Dood, that's the bravest thing I've ever seen ya do..."
Toki, however, made no reply.
There sat Toki, his scarred back in full view, looking back at the camera with an unreadable expression upon his face. The caption read, "Just because life is brutal... doesn't mean you have to be." Below this was his signature, and the contact information for a children's rights group.
Pickles turned then to face Toki, who sat nearby; his voice was low and reverent. "Dood, that's the bravest thing I've ever seen ya do..."
Toki, however, made no reply.
Unpublished 13. Misfortune
He was close, so close. After carrying his father up the side of a frozen mountain to his birthplace, he could finally lay him down so that he could rest.
But not in peace.
Toki had one more thing to say to him, which would both unburden himself while shattering Aslaug's heart at the same time.
After proclaiming his forgiveness to his father, Toki would have borne him into the house, laid him down on his deathbed, leaned in close, and whispered two words.
"I'm gay."
Fate, however, had had different plans for the Wartooths.
He never got the chance.
But not in peace.
Toki had one more thing to say to him, which would both unburden himself while shattering Aslaug's heart at the same time.
After proclaiming his forgiveness to his father, Toki would have borne him into the house, laid him down on his deathbed, leaned in close, and whispered two words.
"I'm gay."
Fate, however, had had different plans for the Wartooths.
He never got the chance.
Unpublished 29. Happiness
Nathan spoke the truth about Toki as he lay slung over the singer's shoulder, descending the side of the burning Mordhaus, secure in the thought that Toki was so drunk he'd probably forget everything Nathan said the following morning.
But Toki didn't forget. Not that night, nor the next day. Nor the following week. Or the months thereafter. It became a touchstone for him, whenever he became consumed by his deepest, darkest fears and depression, glowing brightly amid the gloom, like a single shining grain of sand.
It was the closest thing to true happiness that Toki had ever known.
But Toki didn't forget. Not that night, nor the next day. Nor the following week. Or the months thereafter. It became a touchstone for him, whenever he became consumed by his deepest, darkest fears and depression, glowing brightly amid the gloom, like a single shining grain of sand.
It was the closest thing to true happiness that Toki had ever known.
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